


Strange Bedfellows

by fmpsimon



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Sex, jeankasa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 16:04:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8291858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmpsimon/pseuds/fmpsimon
Summary: Mikasa wakes up, feeling nothing but regret.  Was their one night of passion truly worth it?





	

            Mikasa awoke with a start, shivering.  The harsh morning light was streaming in through the windows.  She pulled the blanket up over her pale breasts, hugging herself.  She glanced at her companion, asleep beside her.  What had they done?  Terror and humiliation flooded her mind as her eyes darted around the familiar, yet unfamiliar room.  She thought back to the night before.  It had seemed like a good idea at the time, although, thinking really had had nothing to do with it.  They were eighteen, lonely, and desperate for the comfort that only another warm body could provide.  They were inexperienced, both driven only by innate animal instinct.  She remembered bits and pieces: a touch here, a grab there, but every time she thought of it, she only felt regret.  Her eyes wandered again to the man beside her.  He was watching her, his eyes wide open, conveying the same fear and regret as hers.

            Jean opened his mouth to speak, but closed it.  Normally, she could always count on him for blunt honesty, but now…now he was utterly silent.  He turned away and ran a hand over his forehead as if he could wipe the stress away.  After a moment, he carefully sat up, covering himself with the blanket so he wouldn’t expose himself, and reached for their clothes.  She watched him, hunched over, his back to her.  “I’m sorry,” he was finally able to muster.  He handed Mikasa her pants.  “I think your shirt is over there.”  He nodded towards the door.  She blushed, remembering.

            _The small dormitory was abandoned when they entered.  Mikasa went through first and Jean closed the door behind them.  They kissed each other hungrily, hands in each other’s hair.  It was their first moment alone in a long time, and although this hadn’t been planned, they were going to take advantage of it anyway.  Their shirts came off first; first his, then hers.  With shaky hands, he struggled with the buttons on her blouse, and in the end, she unbuttoned it herself.  She undid the binding around her chest and let it fall to the floor.  He stared at her for a moment, a mix of awe and trepidation in his eyes.  Her cheeks flushed with sudden embarrassment, but he told her she was beautiful and kissed her again._

            Jean quickly pulled his pants on.  “I’ll get it.”  She stared at him.  His back was covered in nicks and scars from the last several years, and she had run her fingers over each and every one of them.  He retrieved her shirt and placed it in her hands.

            He walked to the other side of the bed and turned away so she could dress.  She was buttoning up her blouse when she found her voice again.  “I’m sorry too.  We’re both to blame.”

            He turned to look at her.  “But if there are any consequences to face, I’ll take full responsibility.”

            Mikasa had a sick feeling in her stomach.  Consequences.  So he already realized the gravity of this situation.  It was all well and good for him to say he would take responsibility, but if she ended up pregnant, it wasn’t like he was going to carry the baby _for_ her.  “I would never bring a child into this world,” she said darkly.  He stared at her, knowing exactly what she meant.  “Would you be able to help me do that…if I had to?”

            Jean gaped at her, then said quietly, “Yes…if that’s what you wanted.”  He looked down and finished buttoning his shirt.  Once he had dressed, he approached her and put a hand on her arm.  “Try not to worry.  It was only one time.”

            She laughed cynically.  “One time is all it takes.”  She stood up and started pulling the sheets from the bed.  “These need to be washed.”  He nodded and began gathering them up.

            “It won’t happen again, Mikasa,” he said.  She frowned, but gave a small nod.

            _The sex was clumsy.  It had started out fine; a lot of kissing and groping as they explored each other’s naked bodies.  He kissed her neck and his hands wandered over her breasts, down her abdomen, and up her inner thighs.  He hovered over her and she spread her legs.  When he finally got inside her, she cried out, surprised by the pain.  It was over fast, which she was grateful for.  The feeling of ecstasy quickly subsided, and she wondered if it had been worth it at all.  He pulled out and settled next to her, breathing heavily, and she was left with a dull pain.  After a while, she put her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  “Sorry if I hurt you,” he said.  He ran his other hand through her hair._

_“It’s okay,” she said.  “I knew it would.”_

_“Still,” he said, stroking her hair.  His finger brushed against the scar under her eye.  “I don’t like the idea of hurting you.”_

_Mikasa pushed herself up so she could look him in the eye.  “Jean, I’m fine.  She lay back down, closing her eyes, and then he pulled the blanket over both of them, hugging her close to him._

            “Mikasa.  _Mikasa_.”

            “Huh?”

            “Are you all right?”  Armin eyed her.  “You haven’t touched your food.”

            She stared at the plate in front of her.  Some steamed vegetables, a whole potato, even a slice of bread.  It smelled and looked delicious, but she wasn’t interested.  “I’m not really hungry.”  She glanced at Jean, who was pushing his vegetables around the plate.  He had barely eaten, but at least he was making an effort.

            “You’ve been acting strange ever since the rest of us came back.  What’s going on?  Is it about Eren?” Armin probed.

            “Eren?”  Mikasa froze.  Eren. She hadn’t even thought about Eren.  What would _he_ think if he knew what she and Jean had done?  He would be back tomorrow if the mission went as planned.  Would he be able to see it in her eyes?  She glanced at Jean—would _he_ give it away?

            Armin put a hand on her shoulder.  “I know it’s hard for you to be away from Eren, but I think it’s for the best.”

            Mikasa stopped him.  “It’s not that.  I’m getting used to that.  He doesn’t need my protection—he’s proven that.”

            Armin looked puzzled.  “Well, if it’s not Eren, then what’s bothering you?  I mean, you’re normally withdrawn, but this is a bit much, even for you.”

            She frowned.  “It’s nothing, Armin—”

            “Hey, Mikasa,” Jean called from across the table.  “You’d better eat.  You need to keep up your strength.”  His plate was mostly empty now, but she wasn’t sure if he had eaten anything or if Sasha had been stealing his food.  He swatted Sasha’s hand away as she reached for the bread.  “You’re on watch tonight, aren’t you?”  She nodded.  “Stay warm.  And eat.”  He gave her a meaningful look before getting up and leaving.

            “If you won’t listen to me, listen to Jean, at least,” Armin said.  She nodded again and nibbled on the bread.  By the time she was finished eating, only Armin remained.

            “Are you going to be all right?” he asked.

            “Of course.”  She smiled.  “Armin, don’t worry about me.”

            He frowned, but after a moment, he sighed and his face softened.  “All right.  I have some reading to do, so I’m going to turn in early.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

            Mikasa gave him a small wave, and then went to retrieve her coat.  As she buttoned it up, she noticed Jean standing by the door, leaning against the wall.  “Why don’t you let me take this watch for you?” he said, unfolding his arms and walking towards her.

            She gave her head a small shake and tucked her scarf into the coat.  “That’s all right.  I’ll be fine.”

            “All right, then I’ll keep you company.”  He grabbed his own coat, pulling it on and falling into step beside her.

            “You don’t have to do that,” she said, her tone chilly.

            “I want to,” he replied, catching her arm.

            She pulled away.  “And what will people think?”

            “Erm…they’ll think I’m keeping you company,” he said.

            She rolled her eyes.  “Don’t you remember what happened the last time we were alone?” she said in hushed tones, her eyes flashing.

_Jean hung his coat up and dusted the snow from his tawny hair.  “Thank God,” he breathed, plopping down next to the fireplace.  Mikasa had tended to the fire while he was on watch.  It was the only source of heat in the house and the nights were long and bitter cold.  She was thankful she did not have to take a watch until the next day.  He stretched his legs out, soaking up the warmth from the fire.  “I was about to go numb out there.”_

_Mikasa knelt next to him, rubbing her hands together.  “Thanks for taking that watch for me.”_

_He glanced at her, and then leaned back, putting his hands behind his head.  “It was nothing.  You shouldn’t have to be out in that kind of weather.”  She opened her mouth to protest, and he continued, “I know you can handle it.  But you don’t have to.”_

_She smirked.  “Every now and again, it’s nice to take advantage of being a woman.”_

_He laughed.  “Yeah, it’s kind of unfair, though.  You know I’d do anything for you.”  He said it off-handedly, like it was no big deal._

_She stared at him and wondered if he was joking.  No, he wasn’t.  She knew that.  It was easier to see Jean’s unwavering loyalty when she wasn’t blinded with fear over what danger Eren might be in.  Jean was very kind to her, very protective of her, but he also wasn’t afraid to stand up to her when she was wrong.  She could trust him.  “Is it strange that I’ve only ever kissed one boy?” she said carefully, averting her eyes._

_He raised his eyebrows.  “No,” he said eventually.  “Not in this world.”_

_“You must have had lots of admirers,” she said._

_He laughed again.  “Kind of you to say, but…no.”  He turned to look at her.  “Don’t tell anyone I said that, though.  If that’s the kind of vibe I give off, I’d like to keep it that way.”  He paused.  “It was Eren, right?”_

_“Huh?”  She looked at him._

_“The boy you kissed.”  He sat up and leaned his elbow on his knee.  “He was probably such a terrible kisser that you didn’t want to ever kiss anyone again, right?” he joked._

_She looked at him, confused for a moment.  He had misunderstood her.  “Oh, no, he didn’t…”_

_“Didn’t what?”_

_She looked down.  “Kiss me back.”_

_He frowned.  “Oh, right.”  He looked away sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.  After a moment, he got to his feet and stood awkwardly in front of her.  “Well…I think I’ll turn in.  You should get some rest too.  The others won’t be back until morning, and this snowstorm is bound to slow them down as it is.”_

_Mikasa stood up too.  “Yes, you’re right.”  She kept her eyes on him.  He was taking his time, as if he was trying to think of an excuse to stay._ Hurry up, Jean _, she thought._

_He fidgeted a bit, like he was nervous.  “Just so you know,_ I _would have kissed you back.”  He drew in a shaky breath and exhaled, while his cheeks glowed red in the light of the fire.  She tucked her hair behind her ear and surprised herself with a shy smile.  Since when did Jean make her smile like that?_

_“Well, good night.”  He started towards the stairs._

_“Jean, wait.”  She stepped towards him.  He was in the shadows and she could barely make out his expression, but the firelight was reflected in his eyes.  “I, er,” she began hesitantly, “I mean…would you really?”_

_He looked at her, puzzled.  “Would I what?”_

_She remained stoic for the moment, even though her heart was racing.  “Would you kiss me back?”_

_He crossed his arms, his brow furrowed.  “Is this some kind of joke?  Did the others put you up to this?”_

_Mikasa shook her head and fresh blood rushed to her cheeks.  She was losing her nerve.  She just needed to do it.  And then—she did.  Her lips were on his.  He stared at her for a moment when she pulled away, but then, with newfound confidence, he put his hands on her face and kissed her back.  He deepened the kiss, and she opened her mouth to let his tongue slide in.  He seemed to know what he was doing, and she was happy to let him be in control.  She clutched at the fabric of his shirt as he pressed her body up against the wall.  His hand slid underneath her blouse and she grabbed his wrist, stopping his movement.  He broke the kiss.  “Upstairs,” she whispered._

Jean followed her outside, jogging to catch up with her.  The snow from a few nights ago was gone, but it was still cold.  She pulled her hood up as she walked.  “Armin knows.”

            “He doesn’t know anything,” Jean insisted.

            “He does,” she said.  “And when Eren returns, he’ll tell him everything.”

            “Mikasa,” he said, his voice strained, “Armin doesn’t know.  How could he?  All he knows is that you’re upset.  And, frankly, if you’re going to keep giving me the cold shoulder, he _is_ going to figure out that I have something to do with it.”

            “I’m not giving you the cold shoulder; I’m treating you like I always do,” she snapped.  She walked faster.  They were just about at the watchtower.

            “Well, now I feel like a jackass for believing that the other night meant something to you.”  He sounded annoyed, but she noted the hurt in his tone.

            The scout jumped the last few rungs of the ladder and landed in front of them.  She eyed them both, mumbled a quick, “Stay warm,” and disappeared.

            Mikasa turned and watched her.  Just how much had she heard?  When she turned back, Jean was already climbing the ladder.  “It’s not your watch!” she called up to him.

            “Yeah, well, we’re not done talking,” he grumbled.

            She sighed and followed him up, preoccupied with what that Scout had heard.  Anna Werner tended to be a gossip.  Jean held his hand out and she took it, letting him pull her up the rest of the way.  “Werner heard us.”

            Jean frowned at her and pulled her hood back over her head.  It must have fallen down on the way up.  “I don’t care about Anna Werner.  All I care about right now is you.”  His hands slid down and rested around her shoulders.  “I want you to be happy, Mikasa.  Or as happy as you can be, given the hell we live in.”  He sighed.  “I guess what I’m saying is…I don’t want to be a secret you have to hide.”  She swallowed.  There was that blunt honesty again.  “So, if the other night was just sex…then let’s forget it ever happened.”  He dropped his arms and stared at her, waiting for her to respond.  She couldn’t.  She didn’t know how to.  It _was_ just sex.  But that didn’t mean she didn’t care about him.

            “It’s not that simple,” she finally said.  She had only recently found out Eren’s true feelings for her and was still grappling with where to go from there.  When she was a child, it was puppy love—a crush.  He had protected her, so she grew attached to him.  But as they grew older, the connection became deeper.  They depended on each other, knew everything about each other—he was her best friend.  And no girl was ever good enough for him.  God forbid he showed a girl any attention either.  It had taken her a long time to realize it, but she had fallen in love with Eren at some point, and his rejection was not easy to get over.  “I was in love with Eren.  I still am.”  Her eyes flicked towards Jean, but his face remained unchanged.  “He’s not in love with me.  Not that way.”  She bit her lip, breathing in and out through her nostrils.  This was not the time to be emotional; she had already shown him a side of herself that she had never wanted to—the weak, fragile side that she tried to bury deep inside.  She exhaled, turning towards the horizon.  “But…despite all that, I…I wanted to try.  With you,” she added, with a sidelong glance.

            “Okay.”  He placed his hand on the small of her back and she felt comforted, if only for a moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the lame ending, but I didn't want this to get too long or too complicated. Thanks to Karen for helping me dig myself out of my writer's block!


End file.
